end of another year

no caps today. no mood for them.

i've not done anything today, just lain in bed and slept and woke up and slept and woke up. and now that the sun is going down i'm up and kneeling on my bed in front of my powerbook and thinking what an unhealthy life i lead. to the point where i actually feel like my body is really gross. ugh.

anyhoo. i was reading zadie smith's 'on beauty' which is a darn good book, and something really struck me - let me find it...

'You look fine.'
'Right. I look fine. Except I don't,' said Zora, tugging sadly at her man's nightshirt. This was why Kiki had dreaded having girls: she knew she wouldn't be able to protect them from self-disgust. [...] It was in the air, or so it seemed to Kiki, this hatred of women and their bodies - it seeped in with every draught in the house; people brought it home on their shoes, they breathed it in off their newspapers. There was no way to control it.

it's weird, this very succinct observation of female psychology. so i could eat more and i could stop smoking and i could start exercising. except i could say all these things and not actually do any of it which would be a very me thing to do. and i could sleep proper hours and i could do all these things but in the end, the lack of will and determination i think will hinder the process. i'm not a particularly pessimistic person. i just don't think i have it when it comes to me. which is funny really *shakes head*

anyway. the last time i quit the smokes i stopped for over a year. i hung out with one very good friend who didn't smoke either and guess what. i come back from shooting in china this year and he is now a smoker. how weird is that. ughness. i have a friend who tells me he's gonna stop when he's thirty and he's now twenty-nine and psyching up for it. i say good for him, but i don't know whether the fact that his girlfriend chainsmokes will affect him at all. i guess knowing him, probably not. hmph.

so before i set off to china - the land of the chainsmokers i kid you not - i'm just wondering whether or not i should stop now and start afresh up there. having said that. i probably will steal smokes in the backstairs, and i honestly really cannot see myself exercising in the freezing cold either *eyes roll* anyhoo. i guess it's just that i'm sick of seeing myself all pathetic. getting sick all the time. lying inert on the bed and just doing absolutely soddin' nothing. and i know it's because i don't eat well and because i smoke and because i don't exercise. and i know all these things and yet i still do it. hai. talk about lazy crapness.

anyhoo. i don't believe in new years' resolutions, i never have. but maybe this year without actually officially resolving to do anything, i might just change. and geez man, hopefully the change will be for the better.

and no, in answer to the question that has been thrown at me a number of times already... no i am not going to solution. i have no eighties clothes and i'm not up for a fun night either when actually it's a time for reflection and this past year has been pretty damn bad if you think about it from God's point of view.

God bless. i will change. it's just gonna be this sudden abrupt thing that happens when no one expects :D enjoy the rest of 2005!