Identity crisis.

Or maybe it's just mid-age crisis. Haha.

So Boss decided that we should shoot a simple music video for his new song that came out end of January... so we took a day to shoot stuff on his 5D, and then he went to Beijing and I tried to put it together. Didn't help that I got really sick a couple days in and took a one week break. Originally he wanted the mv to be out early Feb, but obviously that didn't happen...

And I was really feeling like crap. Even during the shoot, I was feeling like crap. I mean, it was super fun (I even made my own steadicam rig, yay me) but I am just don't have that kind of creative vision. And I don't make magic. Not with a camera. I thought maybe I could make magic after it's been shot, but it turns out, I just don't make magic. Full-stop.

This job has really challenged my perception of me to the max. I used to always think I was smart, and while I knew that there are always people who are smarter, I guess I just chose not to hang out with those people. Haha. But now, I have this uber smart guy as my boss and it's really effing annoying. Because I know that an assistant always has to be three-steps ahead... but this time, my Boss is always three steps ahead. Always. I'm just so not smart enough it's not even funny. And this whole creative thing... I mean I know that I'm really not that creative, but to be stuck hanging with seriously creative people at work all the time (ie. Boss and his team - producers, band, etc) what can I say, but FML.

I know that I have to learn to love me for me. Uh huh.

Anyway, I was reading The Supernatural Ways of Royalty by Kris Vallotton, and there was part about identity that goes -
Another ramification of this failure of this failure to discover true identity is that many people learn to derive their self-esteem from what they do. This may seem fine for a while if they can perform well. When they can't perform anymore, for whatever reason, their self-esteem goes into the pit.

And that - to my surprise - is me. There I was thinking I had my identity crisis sorted out (more or less anyway) but nope.

*sigh* I have wonderful loving friends who will tell me how wonderful I am and how creative and how well I'm doing... but really, honestly, they don't know that. And it actually annoys me (a lot) when people tell me I'm doing great when they really do not know *sigh* And typically, in typical me fashion, I will tell them that they don't know this. Some then shut up and never talk to me again, others don't listen and just continue to tell me how great I am... and then I'll just walk away. And then while I'm mad at these people for talking about things that they just don't know anything about, I'll also feel guilty that I'm not more grateful to have such nice friends. FML.

Hello conflicting me. When will I ever be at peace...?

God bless all the silly people who can't seem to embrace who they are, because they aren't creative and aren't smart and just don't seem to be good at anything... *frowns* Hmph.