that God-given purpose thing. again.

Every so often, this thing rears its head, and my brain spins out of control, again. It's the thing known as God-given purpose. And still to this day, I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know what my God-given dream is.

I'm super lucky that I get to live a life that's awesome and interesting and different. I have never been one to conform to societal standards, but over the years, doubt has crept in more and more. I see friends who seemingly have it all, and I look at my rollercoaster of a life where sometimes, even at this age that can be considered "late 30s", I can't pay rent. Societal standards. External factors. Hm. Maybe I should get a proper job and stop with this ridiculousness. But then I went and got a tattoo that peaks out of long sleeves. The word that stays unhidden? Freedom. How apt.

So every time I question it, the endless chicken and egg conversation goes something like this:
-- I don't know what my God-given purpose is
-- But I guess since every time I think I should do something else, another production job comes up, it must be what God wants me to do...
-- But this is so trivial...
-- But it's what always comes up, and for the most part, you enjoy it...
-- But with the money spent on these ridiculous things, I could open an orphanage, or help feed so many refugees, or give away computers to ones who can't afford it...

On and on, the conversation goes. Endless, bottomless pit of self-pity. Because I don't know what my God-given purpose is. Because I don't think making trivial stupid films or videos means anything. Because although I revel in having worked on Marvel films, it's really just making a bunch of rich people richer, and doing nothing for the ones who actually need help.

So this time, it was triggered by this article by David Bonifacio. It took a lot of concentration to read, if only because I've been single for 8 years and an article about partnerships and relationships didn't appeal to me. But then what he says makes sense. Especially the part about our heart needing to go on a wilder adventure - in the sense that we have a God-given purpose that we need to throw ourselves into, and bring our families along for the ride. Which reminded me of Pastor Eugene Cho, who brought his family along for the ride when he decided to do something about injustice and poverty.

Anyway. Enough with the self-wallowing. Time to go get some sleep.