Rest up... rest up.

It is good to rest. I make a point of telling that to people I know who spend far too much time not-resting. As in being sleep-deprived, or just in general spending too much energy without a chance to recharge. Funny how I do make a point of telling other people to do exactly what I am unable to do myself. Funny how I have ended up in hospital and half dead as a result. Take a hint: rest up!!

So I broke up with mah man, which was something I have been waiting to do. It just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. The whole dilemma thing... *sigh* It's a long story. Anyway, but the next day I fell ill and he was the only person around who had time and so I asked him if he would mind, and I was so terribly apologetic, bringing me some food because I had to eat or else I'd be even worse. When he got to my place, I literally could not move already. Couldn't eat. He had to carry me down to a taxi and take me to the A&E of a hospital, where I was whisked through all the triages and nurses and everything into a cubicle with oxygen, lots and lots of it, and other stuff that came out with the oxygen. Neubulizer I think it's called *shakes head* haven't been through that in a long long time. I kid you not. Mah poor ex-boyfriend... shocked him half to death. Poor man.

Well the end result of the A&E trip, was that I was hsopitalized for the next eight days. My man took it upon himself to come visit me everyday, bringing me all manners of food and other necessities. And I was left thinking how much I owe this man - he had, after all, saved my life - and how on earth I can break up with him after all this has happened.

The weird thing about me is that I hate it, I stress the word HATE, when other people see me in a less than tough state. As in I hate other people seeing me when I'm 'needy'. Which is the reason why I left it so late to go to the hospital, which is why I almost died, thank you very much. Pride? Yeah. Too much of it.

So mah man, or ex-man... I texted him to thank him for everything he'd done and for bringing me all that stuff... and he texted back and said "if only i'm still your man then i can just take care of you and you don't need to thank me all the time" to which I just sat back and wanted to cry. I felt so bad. How is it that someone can love me that much... *shakes head*

Anyway, the funny thing about the hospital stay is that... I felt, for the first time this year, okay with God. I mean, yeah a lot happened and I'm skipping details and all that... but when I felt at peace with God... it also meant that I really could not go back to a relationship with my man. It's been a dilemma from the start... this man... he's made me feel more comfortable, physically, than anyone else has ever. Like when he has his arms around me... I just wanna stay there. And that doesn't happen often, not with very many people, if at all. Hmph.

Well. I got out of hospital but can't move much... cos just feel weak and horrible. Mah man's been bringing me food and drink and all that (what can I say, I don't have a kitchen...) and I've been feeling awful because I'm doing that to him. So finally last night he was talking to his bro - one of his best mates - on msn in my room... and his mate told him that he basically has no chance with me. Hahahahaha... funnily enough, I'd just been telling his mate that I really miss my man, and had good mind to make him stay the night so that I could feel his arms around me. Hmph. So anyway, we broke up proper last night. And today. Today I just miss him. Miss his arms. Miss his food... yeah I'm hungry. Miss... miss the love that came from him... hm.

But I'm at peace with myself, at peace with God, at peace with the world. Guess that's more important huh. What's love if it gives you all that inner turmoil, dilemma... So, I guess love ain't everything huh... like the song says... Sometimes love just ain't enough.

God bless :)