Goodness in the midst of messiness

I am such a mess. Useless mess. I promise you. UGHNESS.

So having gotten into this job, I have come up against many rumours, a boss who doesn't like me, but nothing has really plagued me beyond a day - except maybe this. Of course, I might just be irrational and unreasonable at this particularly moment in time because not a day as passed - or rather, a full day hasn't passed yet, where I have been able to sleep my problems off. I like to do that. A lot. I have discovered that.

With every job that I have taken, I have worked with people who love me to bits and with people who hate me too. I can deal with the hate as long as there are people who love me. I'm beginning to lose the people who love me on this job. It's weird how it happens, apparently, according to my best friend of many years, I am cute and can be quite endearing, and because I make a good friend to many guys, they kinda fall for me without my knowing, without my doing anything out of the ordinary. While I do admit that I flirt around sometimes, it's usually quite unintentional and often something that I only do when prompted by the other party. Hmph.

Before I started work on my last job (please note that I do not count bartending as a job as I absolutely adore bartending and therefore... it's not a job. More like something that I do because I love it and happen to be able to make some money as well. But I digress.) So anyway, before I started work on my last job, my fortunes were read because the Chinese and the entertainment industry are both very superstitious. I was told that I had a 'tou fa meng' - a peach blossom life (I think 'tou fa' is peach blossom... think..!!) - that is, that people would fall for me quite easily. Not because I am endearing and cute as my old best friend had said, but because I was born under the right stars, at the right time, in the right place, during the right season.

Yes, I have managed to make a number of people here find me intriguing and cute and, although not particularly pretty, interesting enough to want to know me more, smiley enough to be seemingly happy to see me everyday. But as time goes by, things change. Relationships get weirder, closer, stranger, and something has to be done about it.

With most of these people, I tell them straight off that I cannot go out with them. I cannot do anything like that. I cannot. If I was just gonna go out with some person from this crew, then I might as well go out with the ex. Why break up with him? The main reason I did was because his heart is not with God, or at least, not with God enough. And it's the same with all of these people here.

It's hard to continue a relationship with people who wanna go out with you but have been refused. It's hard to just be friends with them. Not because of anything but that I, in some strange way, have been closer to them than I should have as a friend. I miss the conversations that I had with these boys. I miss the bantering that went on, the wonderful closeness, the feeling that I had friends at work, not just people I worked with. It's weird how I miss all this. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't need friends, that I could just work with anyone.

But I suppose this is what God is for. And I suppose this is one of the reasons why I am here: to learn this awful lesson, and to learn to depend on God. To talk to Him when I am unhappy, when I need someone to talk to, when I need someone to cheer me up. I won't depend on the people around me, because they are not as dependable as my Father in Heaven is.

Thank God for his faithfulness.

Another little postscript:
The beautiful fantabulous sun has gone down... and the wonderful heat that it produced has waned. The set is warm, for there are closed doors and the actors (actually, actress) is rather scantily clad. (I stress the fact only the actress is scantily clad - the others are all in full armour gear and about to melt of heat). Outside the set, it's getting chilly. I am sitting in the car, the car where I have found solace for the past couple of weeks. The car that no longer provides solace, for I shall have to find that with God, in God.

With the sun gone, the sky is lit up by littler lights. There are beautiful stars all around, a sight not often seen in Hong Kong. I was looking at the line of three little stars, and pointed them out to my boss who seemed a little stressed after a phone call. I was gonna say that I was told those stars were the ones that belong to Sagittarius - my star sign. He smiled at me kindly and told me the stars actually make up the belt of Orion. He pointed out the two stars above the belt and the two below, that made up his shoulders and his legs. He told me that on a clearer night, above the shoulders, was a little cluster of stars that made up his head. Wow. In this wide universe, I have much to learn. Much.

One last postscript:
The car where I can no longer find solace - in a way I guess I still can. For it's quiet (except for the amazing vocals of Sarah McLachlan drifting out the PowerBook's speakers), and I'm alone here and I can read the Bible and talk to God and contemplate my day. The solace that I used to be able to find, a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ears to listen to me plus some grown-up advice, is gone, perhaps forever, but most definitely for now.

God is good to me. He always has been. He will provide, and He will make me a better person. God is good.