woooooooooooooah

Having been on a mac for the past seven months or so, I have forgotten how beautiful blogger pages are on yucky PCs. I grudgingly admit that there are perks to having a PC, including the much nicer version of msn. However, I will not change my affections and will still look longingly at the PowerBook G4s until I get one. I highly doubt I will be getting one in the near future though.
 
I am sitting in the library of the University of Otago in Dunedin, New Zealand. It is warm in here, and I am comfortably slouching on the desk chair trying to come to terms with my using a desktop PC and not the 15" G4 I was using until 17 days ago *sniff sniff* I can't believe it's only been 17 days. Outside of the library, however, it is cold. It is cold. It was sunny today and my sister was not cold, but I was cold. COLD. COLD!!!! And guess what :) A wintry storm is due to set in tonight, bringing with it much more coldness. Strong winter winds. Snow. Rain. Ice. UGH. Cold. Why did I ever decide to come to New Zealand in the middle of winter?!!!
 
The past few days, actually, the past 10 days, have been about a raging internal conflict as to the way I lead my life. I wish I could say that I have started to make the right choices and that attitudes have started to be changed and that I have embarked upon the next level of continuing on the journey with God. It kinda sounds like a computer game, a PS2 game where there are demons to defeat and levels to break into. I definitely am quite bad at the game.
 
It's so strange to so badly want God in my life and to so badly want to be able to live a life for Him and with Him. And to ask Him what He wants me to do and all that and when He answers, to not do it. Like... HELLO?! *shakes head* What up with that, one wonders. How is it possible that the one thing that God wants me to do... I refuse to do? Is that not the strangest thing in the world? Talk about being a stronghold for the devil. And to think I KNOW this and yet still... stray. Why? Why? Weak nincompoop of a girl. No excuses. I just... *sigh* no excuses.
 
I went to Hillsong looking for direction and I left Hillsong with direction I don't want. I have a choice to make, and I think the amount of Godliness in my life for the next decade will hang upon this life-changing decision. I have a headache just thinking about this. I lay my head down in front of the computer in the library and don't want to move. Lucky I can touch-type.
 
It's odd how I can analyze my life, break it all down, and see so clearly the path that I should walk and yet go down the path that ends in an infernal of wrong choices. I was thinking about this the other day, about how pathetic I am and how hard it is to choose the right choice and blah blah blah. I was at the uni cafe, which is just outside the library and an Indian couple went up and saw the mudcake (very yummy choc cake) on the cake shelf. They debated for the longest time whether or not to have it, when the cafe girl finally appeared, and the Indian girl asked if there was egg in the cake. "Yes, there is," came the reply and after a disappointing-looking discussion, they left. I thought about for a while. I think it was a religion thing not to eat egg, and not a health thing. I think she has been conditioned among other religious people for a long while - to not eat any animal products or something like that. And it occurred to me that it's easier to make the 'right' choice when you've been doing it for a while. Just like what Christine Caine said. Or was it Jentezen Franklin in his "doves' feet" sermon? I can't remember. It could actually have been any one of the amazing speakers I listened to. So, how do you take the first step?
 
You pray. And you do it. Do or don't do. There is no try. Famous Yoda words. Do or don't do. There is no try. Everytime I talked to someone about the whole thing and I said I'd try, I wanted to beat myself up. Because I have always told people that you do or don't do and that there is no try. How pathetic can I get?
 
And right now, as I sit and type this, I yearn to walk the wrong way. I see all the things waiting for me. All the things that I want to do. I can't even smoke because that's definitely a wrong choice too. What up with the whinging... *sigh* I hate whingers!
 
I think right now, I shall step out into the cold wintry night. And have another conversation with God. Plead with Him to let me be for another ten days and then I'll walk His way again. Yeah right. Those ten days will lead to another ten days will lead into another month will lead into... it goes on... and on... and on.
 
Ya know, I'm being depressing. Enough of this crap. We'll know the answer - my decision that is - to all this crap in precisely a week. Wish me luck.
 
God bless :) The world is a beautiful place despite disappointing typhoons that actually land in Hong Kong and don't produce any seeming impact at all *grin* I wish I could say that much for the wintry storm but I doubt it because as far as I can see, the roads are all icy outside the library. ARGH! See you soon.