sold to the devil?

So much has happened. So little time. So crushed. So dead and dying. So unable to make decisions. So split inside. So completely at odds with myself. Please someone make a decision for me. I feel like a Libra. Geez.

Having accepted the Shanghai job, and told her that I wouldn't take the LA thing even if it came up (knowing full well that it would never come up because the producers don't like me), I have been offered the LA thing now and I need some time to digest what I have done. I have taken up both positions that have been offered to me and now I feel like a completely asshole and don't know how to do.

I have no ability to solve this problem except to come clean. I have no idea which side to go to and feel like I am being torn in two. The easy way is to go to Shanghai. Especially since I have no place to live in Hong Kong starting end of next month. But I love film, and I want to continue to work in film and I think I am going crazy.

And in the midst of this mess, I have my non-relationship with God to think about. I don't know what made me to go one eighty last night. I had not planned on it and had not thought about what it would mean for me to go. I was just there around 7 and I thought I might as well since it had been so long. And so I showed up. And saw all the people I haven't seen for the better part of the year. And heard Derek talk about repentance.

I do not confess because I am not repentant. I do not pray as much as I should or even talk to God half as much I should because I am not repentant. I do not see myself coming clean asking for forgiveness and then giving up smoking and foul language and goodness knows what other baling things I do.

There is a roadblock in my life that I have no intention of moving aside. I wonder how horrible that is. I am guilty and I am unbelievably pathetic. Sometimes, I can't understand how I can get to this point.

Maybe if last year, at Hillsongs, I'd written the letter and sent it. Maybe if that had happened, I'd be fine today. But I didn't do it, and I am here, now, at this point. I suppose it means the roadblock got put in July last year. I wonder...

I like Derek's dream of having a place that's totally safe, a haven for people to share. I love it. I hope it comes true. Because yesterday as I was listening to him, all I could think was there is no one in that whole room I could talk to. Ah well. Life is not perfect.

But I was asked yesterday at 180 a couple of questions to see whether I was republican or democrat (no I am not American... thank God I am not American...) do you approve of gay marriage, are you pro-choice or pro-life... questions I thought I'd left behind in my past life are coming back to haunt me. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten baptized after all. Well, looking at the way I am now, I doubt anyone would think I'd ever have been baptized at all. Yes of course I approve of gay marriage, why is loving anyone wrong? Why? And if the Bible is against it, well why are there female teachers of the law now? Why? So many things that the Bible condemned against in the past, why are they allowed now? And if those things are allowed then why the hell can't people be allowed to love someone of the same sex?

Okay. I think I need someone to perform exorcism over me. I can hear the voices of the righteous: It's the devil speaking... UGH. I'm so completely not sane. And I'm ranting because I cannot accept that being gay is wrong. It must be the Will & Grace. Or maybe it's The L Word.

Maybe I'm just tired.

And though this might be blasphemous or hypocritical... God bless. Good night.