me me me part 2

12 hours after the boss woke me up, I'm off work. This morning he woke me up with a phone call to say, Let's have a short meeting. Uh huh. We all know what that means.

So the issues he raised are more or less the ones that I you know, know about. Well. Not true. He raised the issue that I know about, but also a few more. He called it the polar bear meeting. Let's see if I can recap. I'm not sure. I've been working since and I haven't really been thinking about it but let's see.

The best is when people don't see the work we do. Or something along those lines. I am trying very hard to remember exactly what this line is because it really is something I have to learn. I need to learn to not have to be appreciated. This is something I am well-aware of. Well. Aware. Of. I've been trying not to need to feel appreciated. It's a terrible feeling, to think one is not appreciated. I must remember that even if no one else sees, God sees. And God appreciates the effort I put in. Yeah. Must Remember This.

A. I am bossy.
B. I am bitchy.
C. I have bad attitude.
D. All of the above.
Unfortunately for me, D is the correct answer here. And it's not like I don't know. Again with the mantra Robin has put into my head: Keep smiling. Take a deep breath.

Know your place. Know my place. My weak and feeble defence is that I am a production person. And I am bossy. Dai ga jeh. Not anymore… I am not supposed to take charge of hotel stuff. Or travel stuff. Or anything stuff. That is hard to stomach. I have always been a cut-the-bureaucracy-crap kinda girl. But no. I am not in charge. I must learn to give face. I must learn to relinquish control. I must learn that I am not responsible for this kind of stuff. The more you say, the more you're wrong. The less you say, the less you're wrong. If you say nothing, you are never wrong. It sounds better in Cantonese. This is my new mantra. Along with the keep smiling and take a deep breath.

Work and play are two different things. I must have a work face that is different to my play face. I must not laugh like crazy during work. I must be more serious. I must not joke around too much. I must not swear. I must watch the use of language. And the tone of voice.

Fuck me.

Be more self-conscious. I've spent my entire life after 16 trying to be less self-conscious. Trying to learn that it doesn't matter if you don't fit in. And here I am told to be more self-conscious. I think he meant self-aware. It's a fine line. I'll try.

In a way, I'm really worried that I'm just gonna slack off. I don't think I will entirely because I am, at heart, a bossy and controlling person. But when the day comes that I just passively not do anything, that is the day that I must leave this job. I've always been a pro-active person (well, in most situations anyway) but pro-active is wrong here. It is not acceptable. I must be in the shadows. Be a polar bear camouflaged by the snow. I must not stand out. My aura must be less. Aura. Less.

So I've been talking to myself all day. I don't take criticism well, never have. I'm going to try and change… or at least… I'm going to try and stay in the shadows more. I'll try. I doubt it will work, but one must not start something by being negative, right. I guess… this is not too difficult a path to walk. Either I succeed and this works out, or I fail and I go back to movie making. Or I fail and I go and fucking jump off a building. Something like that.

I think I want to cry because this feels like I have to wear a mask. All day. Everyday. Every fucking day. I have to wear a mask. Even in front of the boss. Especially in front of the boss. Wear a mask. Smile and be polite and cheerful and nice to everyone, even when you're fucking cussing their mothers to hell inside. Cram all the outspokenness inside, don't let it out. Even when things go wrong, it's not your place to put it right. Let other people deal with it. Stop rolling your eyes. Stop shaking your head. Fucking smile already.

On the one hand, I really want to change - I want to learn to be more diplomatic, to be a nicer person, to be more patient, more tolerant… But on the other hand, I feel like ripping my heart out and shattering it by stomping on it.

I love God. Am I here to learn to be a better person? Or… am I feeling like shit because this job wasn't supposed to be and I didn't bother to stop and listen? Which is it? Which??