me me me part 3

I am sitting in my room, listening to Healer. I know my God will heal me. I know my God gives me strength. I know.

It's hard to imagine my life without God. I can't imagine what my life would be like now. Lost. Adrift. Dying. All that jazz.

Talking to Robin was interesting. I regret a little telling him in front of Shiga. But I also know I had no choice. All I pray is that she can keep her mouth shut.

Relax. I need to be more carefree. I need to think less. Just do.

Do what it takes to make your boss happy. I'm not his girlfriend. Fuck.

Aim to be like your boss. Impossible. I can aim to be like Robin, hard as that may be, but trying to be like my boss is like… jumping out of my window and not dying. Impossible.

It's a team effort. I know. Boss told me that this morning. It's a team effort. We all have to work together. I have to learn to know my place. I understand. I am a terrible team player. Epiphany. I am a terrible team player.

Take interest in the people around your boss. I suck at making small talk. Especially to people I work with. My ability to talk to someone rests so much on whether or not I click with that person. It just so happens that I click with Robin. It just so happens that I click with my boss. I'm beginning to see just how much my boss lowered himself to my level to click with me. Perhaps I am not as clickable as I thought. Perhaps that's why Shu left too.

I confessed to Robin that I'm stressed - and therefore not carefree - because I am not committed to this job. And the fact that I am not committed drives me crazy. Because I know I have to be, but I'm not. He thinks that I'm stressed because I care too much about this job. I care about this job, which is why I want to do a good job, but I also miss making movies.

Strangely enough, I told Shiga that I am Christian. She was asking about ghosts and whether I was scared. I told her I know that my Father looks after me, despite the fact that I suck at being a Christian what with the smokes and the swearing and all that. Hai. Sorry God. I don't shine for you. Not enough, not enough.

Take a deep breath, and smile.

I love you, God.