Value and self-worth and crapness.

Lying in bed, rummaging around on the floor for a piece of paper to write down some of the stuff my boss was telling me to do, I found several sheets of paper that had lots of writing on it. Hm. This is what I wrote, back in late July I think...
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The question of the day is Where does one find one's value and self-worth. It's an interesting question to which there is no right or wrong answer, and a question that you'll find more sad answers than happy ones. Because most people hide their lack of self-worth under layers of work and material possessions and other similar - and quite worthless - things.

Some people find their self-worth in their family. Others find their value in their work. I find mine in God. I have no family (well, I have parents and siblings, but no family of my own I suppose you can say) and my work sucks (well, I love it but yeah, it kinda sucks), and I constantly feel like I'm being replaced by others who are younger and better and more creative. Yet I have a God who loves me and who chased after me relentlessly despite the flaws and the crap. Which essentially means that I am worth something to Him. Why else would He do that. I suppose that is the basis for which I am willing to give up my life - my prideful, independent, unsubmissive, rebellious, secular, world-accepted life - to Him.

The question of the day arose at late night supper (aka siu yeah) a few nights ago, when I met up with two wonderful ladies (who are about ten years older than me) and their friend's son, a boy in his mid-20s who'd worked for me a few years ago. All three of them are from well-to-do families, but the ladies have experienced the world enough to know that the world does not revolve around them and that there are poor people in the world who really have a very tough life. Yeah.

The boy, on the other hand, has been too sheltered to see the bigger picture. He reminds me of Baby Houseman, of the scene where she tells Peggy, I envy you because Peggy could dance so well and could do what she wanted with no parents to tell her what she could or could not do. But the truth of the matter was, Peggy had been kicked out of home at 16, had lived on the streets, was working her ass off for low pay and had to deal with the uncertainty and fear of now knowing where and when her next paycheck would come from. Baby, on the other hand, came from an extremely well-to-do family and had no understanding of that side of life. At all. An idealist, and one that lived in a bubble. No fault of her own,m but she learnt to grow up in that wonderful movie, Dirty Dancing. This little boy is still having trouble growing up. Partly because his parents have trouble letting go, but also because he has no clue what he wants from life. He doesn't know himself at all - no dreams, no independence, no nothing. Reminds me of me, except I had God. Lucky, blessed me.

The ladies gave him very practical advice - first things first - find work. This boy could well never work and still live, his parents are that well off, but in order for him to shake off his parents' control (in particular, his extremely intelligent and smart father), he has to become independent, and to do that, he has to find work. Find value in his work, so that he can contribute to his family, to society.

While I agree that work is a good way to start, somehow it doesn't feel quite right. I don't know. You can't value yourself in something that's not constant, and work is not constant. Not even if you have an iron rice bowl (working for the Hong Kong government is known as an iron rice bowl - ie. a rice bowl that doesn't break - ie. a job that will never go away...) There are pretty much only two things constant in this world - 1. God 2. The knowledge that you will die. That's it. Nothing else is a certainty. It's so much better to find worth in God... but well. I guess it's not practical enough for Hong Kong...

God bless the boy. And the two ladies. And all those who are struggling with their value and self-worth and independence and crap. May they somehow find that wonderful love that is God.