It's been a while. And I've been slacking.

Mwahahaha... when am I not slacking is more like it...

So here I am, not long before I must rush to work. I've been reading other people's blogs and feeling jealous that I can't live those lives. I sit back to wonder what's stopping me and feel horribly out of place. Not out of place, more like in the wrong place.

I said to myself, when I dedicated (or rededicated) my life to God, to Jesus, around this time last year, that I would not leave the current circle of friends that I am in, that I would not live and be in the church only, that I would not surround myself with Christians and only Christians. I look around me, at the people in the church, and I see that. I don't like it. Who am I to not like it, one wonders, but then. Heh. It's always easier to see 'wrong' things or things I don't like in other people's lives. Harder to reflect on one's own.

It has only been a year, this rededication process, this year in which I have gotten myself baptized even. Something I never thought would ever happen to me, not in my lifetime. But have I changed? Am I more like Jesus? Even a little bit? I don't even want to think about the answer. I don't think I will like the answer at all.

I love the people at church. Well, most of them. Well maybe I would if I got to know them. For some reason, I have always hidden at the back, shied away from being close to many of them. I really cannot think what reason. I am jealous when I see them in a group, all close friends, knowing I am not part of it. And yet I make no effort to get close to anyone. And I don't grab chances to get close to anyone either. People say call me for a coffee, call me when you're free, let's hang out some time, we should get to know each other better... blah blah blah. How many times have I ever taken people up on their offers for chat, for comfort, for prayer? Less than one in ten.

I am a proud girl. That this blog is all about me me me and me is more than proof enough. I am stumbling on my path to Jesus, and too proud to call for help. I walk the wrong way, and am too proud to ask for forgiveness. I ask for forgiveness, and have no faith that God will still be there. Because I walk the same way, again and again and again. How many second chances does one get? If I can say to another person, God will forgive you, no matter how many times, He will always always be there for you, and always willing to give you another chance, how is it that I cannot say that to myself? What hypocrisy is this?

I am crapness embodified. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I pray. But that's about it. Yes prayer is everything... but there's also a need for discipline and control, both of which I have virtually none.

I hear again and again people at church say that they won't go certain places, won't do certain things, won't hang out with certain people again, because it reminds them of their past and hence... It is good, this self-disciplining I think. It is good that they have the presence of mind to take themselves away from temptation. It is good. But I, being pathetic and rebellious and whatever, have not done so. I should, I always think to myself that I should, but I don't. I don't want to leave the non-Christian masses. I want to stay in that world, but live a Christian life. How impossible is that?

Being me, needing to feel important, I want to make a difference to the world. Make a difference to the world that means something to me - and that means my friends who are not Christian. So I have opted to stay within the community that I have grown to love, the community that really means something to me. And there's this part of me that thinks I have totally opted to do the wrong thing. For I have little discipline and little control, I am easily tempted and stray easily. I have no sense of direction. I thank God that I have been baptized, that the Holy Spirit is with me, that God jealously guards me as one of His own. But what happens... is that I stray, and then the warning bells go off. And all I can do, is bow my head down, ask for forgiveness, begin again. And what happens next? I stray again.

When I became Christian - when I rededicated my life - I decided to follow Jesus. I repented of my sin and said that I would lead a life that God wants, and not what I want. Have I done that? When I became Christian, when I rededicated my life, I promised to give up the life that I had been leading before, I promised to follow Jesus, to live my life according to His will. Have I done that?

I think about what I have done this past year. I quit smoking. I quit all the nasty mass of smokes and drugs and the like. I have tried my darndest to give up foul language. What else have I done? Nothing. But nothing. Who am I to say that I am Christian? Who am I to condemn other people? Who am I to think of getting baptized, to have promised God my life, only to not give it to Him?

What suckiness this is. And now, after spewing out all this, I have to get ready to go to work. A workplace of drunks and liars deceitfulness and boastfulness and all these things I cannot stand and yet put up with. All these things I say I cannot stand, and yet am susceptible to them myself. What hypocrisy and patheticness.

Shower and work.

All this ranting and raving... all talk no action. Gah.