Wake up!!!

Does it really take flashing neon signs with my FULL NAME printed for me to open my eyes to the patheticness of my life?? If I were God, and thank God I am not God and that He is SO patient and SO amazing and has such grace, I would blast me off this planet and just give up. Yah know the feeling when you've just done it again, and don't ever deserve another chance or to be forgiven or whatever. DWEEB. Yes me. Pond scum. No, lower. Mucus that feeds on pond scum. Lower. The fungus that feeds on the mucus that feeds on the pond scum. (Again, the quote may not be entirely accurate. I cannot remember. Oh, and that's credited to the writer(s) of My Best Friend's Wedding.) (Italics on this blog look so weird.)

God is jealous for me. I've heard that phrase used in my church time and time again. I've felt God jealously guarding me time and time again. Felt it again this past Sunday.

So after not having been to church for a couple of weeks (yeah, and the girl got baptized you say?) I haul myself off the bed and into a cab and off to church. Okay, so the Hillsongs people had a part in that - I had to miss Passionate for our City and Youth on Fire so I was like well blast me if I don't make it on Sunday - but again, I say I want to go to church every Sunday. Do I ever? Err... *sigh*

And man, that Sunday service... PHWOAR. I could put it on repeat and listen to it again. And again. Or maybe it's already firmly imprinted in my heart mind and soul. And it's been a while since I've had tears and things from church. Ewww... tears at church. Icky and ucky and *shivers* no no! Not to me!!! But yeah, well. It ain't the first time, but it's the first time since last November. Hmph. Forgiveness. Why do I always get to be forgiven? Because I am blessed, because I am a child of God, because I ask for it... because I really am sorry.

Okay again with the waking up. WAKE UP. If you are sorry, if you really love God, you aren't gonna do it again. Discipline. Control.

I've begun to see how hard it is for me to live in a secular world when my heart is with God. Well, it's not that hard. It's hard when I want to talk about it, and there's no one to talk to. Because the people I talk to, their value systems are so different. And the people whose value systems are the same... well... I don't talk to them all that much. My fault, yes. But UGH! *sigh* Talk to God. Talk to God.