talk about a bad day

I have nothing positive to say. I was once told - or maybe I once read - that if you have nothing good to say then don't say anything. And I agree. Why make people around you miserable by complaining and whinging and whining, there are enough bad things happening anyway. Keep your mouth shut and just let it go. I try. But there are times when I forget, when I have the absolutely crappest day and then I go blurting out and complaining and complaining when really I should not complain. I have nothing to complain about. I am blessed happy girl. What on earth....?

It's weird when you see old friends on the street. And you get that pang of... memory I suppose... when you remember the good old days when you had such fun with that person, when you were good friends, when you talked. And you think about what has happened in between, think about what happened to have broken the friendship, think about what it was that made two people drift apart. I think that kinda made the week bad. That and then work just got all the more crappier. I love my work. But there are times when I feel too useless and incompetant to want to continue.

I often wish I was different, that I'm not the way I am. Most of the time, I love who I am. But there are off days, and I guess it's been off days the past week. Days when I could not understand what on earth I am doing and what on earth is going on around me. Days when I wonder what I have prioritized and what I have done wrong. Days when I wonder where I am heading on this path and whether I have strayed off God's path so bad that He isn't leading anymore and it's up to me to find the right path again. Except I know that can't be true because He'll light up my path in times of darkness. Valley of darkness. Huh.

It's not a good thing to look around you and see people you wish to be. I guess it isn't a good thing to look around you and see people you don't wish to be either because that sort of gives the self a sense of superiority. But it's horrid to wish you were someone else. Or wish you had the determination of someone else to live the life s/he lives. Where's my determination to put God first?

My dad wrote me an email, talking about the generation of today. How the current youths are the worst ever yet, materialistic and self-centred... soulless. He asked me if that sounded familiar, if it sounded like me. Am I really that bad? I think that kinda ruined my week too. Not that it wasn't bad enough already. The one person who I love and adore and want to please and would hate to disappoint. That would be my dad. Oh well.

I suppose I shall just have to go home and sleep. And maybe things will be better tomorrow. There's a brunch/luncheon thing tomorrow. And I don't want to go. I'm being a whinny broad as someone put, and I don't think I'll give much life to the party. On the other hand I'm worried that I'm gonna be all alone tomorrow with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Sometimes I just wish I was on a desert island, where the circumstances were that I would not be able to hang out with anyone, that I would have to face me and only me... and maybe God too... but so that I couldn't "escape" - as someone has once said to me - into someone else's life.

I'm being negative and pessimistic. And while I half wish I could learn to keep my mouth shut, I suppose it helps to write about it. I guess I'm just having a bad day. Or bad week as it turns out.

God bless. Life is as good as you choose it to be. My life is good... I just need to sleep.