Self-indulgence: angels & demons

I am going to do the nasty. I am going to put my heart on this blog... and then I will leave for L.A. Or I will stay, and jump off a cliff and drown in the sea. Or maybe I'll do both.

I firmly believe that God puts angels in one's life at certain times for a reason. Well actually, everyone who chances by your life is there for a reason. But the angels are you know, angels :) They make you smile and make you cry and most of the time, you kinda take a step closer to God with these angels. Beings in white that flap around. No. Human beings with the heart of God in them.

And these are my angels. I was actually gonna put down my history here. But I never write what I ever intend so there we go. Ha.

My parents - without whom I would have strayed a long long long time ago. Blessed be my parents :) How lucky am I to have grown up in a Christian family, how lucky am I to have known God all my life. Yet how wretched am I to never fully realize just how blessed I am. Ah well. Another story for another time. But I am grateful. And I thank them and I thank God for giving me a Christian home to grow up in.

Grace - My friend from church in Singa... she is the one person who I can honestly say is full of joy, and I know where it comes from - it comes from God. How I envied Grace's life, that she could always find joy and peace. Well. Now I know how to do it too... less successfully than this gal, but hey. I'm getting there. I'm just grateful that I actually got to see the alternative to the depressing, fluctuating world... thank you, Grace!

Josie & Mandy - two angels rolled into one. I can only imagine how much I featured in their prayers (thaaaaank you) and I don't know why they never gave up on me. Anyway, these two beautiful angels introduced the English speaking church in Hong Kong to me. Thank God for them. Cannot imagine where I am today without The Vine... And I still remember Mandy made me cry in that big ballroom back at the Regal. Gosh. How I hate crying in public. Angel indeed hahaha. Thank you from the bottomest of my heart to you both.

Derek - the boy who talked to the girl. Hahahahaha. The only one who talked to the girl for a while I guess... and it wasn't just random talk. He challenged, he challenged and he challenged. Made me think. Ugh. Hate thinking. Don't like to use my brain. But it was him with the weird hair who put me on the right track. He who looked like the statue of liberty for a while. Wahahaha. All that time and effort and prayers too. Thank you.

Ann - the girl who talked to the girl, and who the girl trusted. So rare for the girl to trust another girl. She hasn't yet given up on the girl... for which I am eternally grateful. How does she possess such powers of patience. She makes me laugh and has made me cry more than once. Thank God she's in Perth. She doesn't get to see it. Hahahahaha *muah* Thank you Ann.

And then we have the demons. The demons who cloud one's eyes with the irrelevant, making them seem important. The hurts that people in church send out hurt the masses deep. It stopped me from going to church at one point... until I realized church isn't about the people. Or well, it isn't just about the people. And the people will always be imperfect. I suppose that's why I still like to hang at the back. Don't like to hang out with the groups. Who knows when it will happen again... disappointment, hurt, anger. Not good.

And I think about Derek wanting to make one eighty a place where we can all talk and share with one another and no one has to worry. A place where people can open their hearts and never have to be concerned with where the sharing will go or whether it will be used against them or whether it will be tossed around like an idea up for criticism. I think about that goal/dream/whatever you call it and I wish and I hope and I pray with all my heart that it will happen. Because if there's anything driving the people away, it's the people.

And I think about Andy G's sermon about how we, the people of God, should be called righteous. And I have strayed so far again that I know that will never be me. But I think about it and that is precisely the thing I am afraid of. Righteous people. It sounds so... pretentious. So arrogant.

I know that the less I give, the less I get back. I understand that. But the hurts sustained from church don't go away. And I'd rather get less, than be hurt and wanna walk away again. But that's just me. Thank God for Renee.

Anyhoo. I thank God for my angels all the time. I should probably thank them irl too. But well. We'll see. I still think I prefer to keep my mouth shut at church. I have so little faith in people. It's funny. Actually no. It's sad.

God bless.