Failure sucks.

So this massive failure thing hit me hard on Thursday, because I absolutely failed at my job. It got so bad I smoked a couple of cigarettes, knowing full well I'd get very sick afterwards. I am now, true to form, very sick. So much so that I dare not leave my house for fear that I can't actually get back up the stairs.

Sometimes I don't actually know whether I am too harsh on myself. Or whether I feel like a complete and utter failure because I set my standards too high. But... then. I did actually fail at my job. I couldn't do what was required of me, and there's no arguing with that. I guess the worst part is, I can't let it go. I can't just sleep and forget about it. It was that bad.

I am now coughing my lungs out, and failing to breathe properly as a result of the cigarette smoking. Okay, I was sick-ish before I actually started filming, so the cigarettes actually only aggravated everything *sigh* My own fault entirely. Dumbass.

Anyway. As a result of the massive failure, I went off facebook for a day, and I've been off twitter since. And I haven't been out to see anyone. Okay, so the not going out is partly because I'm sick. But still. I don't think I'd be going out even if I weren't sick. I've also been not taking calls. Well, only very limited calls. I've been good about replying texts though. And I'm back on facebook now. Cyberspace is so safe. So much safer than having to deal with real people, who might ask the wrong questions.

So yeah, I guess the conclusion is that I'm a stinking coward. I can't deal with my own failings. Perhaps it's partly pride - I'm so used to being good at things. Or at least so expect myself to do at least an okay job. I really fricking suck sometimes.

That said, it's probably a good thing I have God. He seems to like humans with failings...

*sigh* What a start to 2010. Fuck me.

God bless.