Am I sad? Or am I happy?

Last night I had a great dinner at a friend's place. I've been up to his place several times, and I've met new people and I've had great food and it's just generally been awesome. Said friend has been in Hong Kong for about a year, and will be leaving early 2011 - which is in about five months. He's built up his portfolio here and he should be back where he belongs - a place where creativity is thriving.

I've always wanted to go to friends' places to chill and hang out, and I've never been more comfortable than at his place. I love those dinners, they always make my week. And so I'm happy. But then I know this will only last so long, and then I get worried. What am I going to do next year when he's gone? And then... that makes me think. What happened to all my other friends?

There's a part of me that thinks perhaps this is something that happens in the western culture only. Chinese people don't do this, perhaps, unless they lived overseas for ages. But amongst my peer groups, this doesn't happen. Or at least, if it does, I'm not invited.

Last night we were talking about moving to New York. I wish I had the guts. I wish I had the confidence from eight, ten years ago to think I can do this and I'll be alright. Last night we talked about film. I miss it so much. And I found out that i was asked to be 2nd AD on a Soderbergh film and I flatly turned it down. I almost fainted. Last night we talked about all these things I wish I could do. But I haven't the guts. Last night, my friend found out I'm really not as tough as I make out to be.

Last night I got home and I begged God to give some sort of sign that I'm on the right path. Because I go through these phases of wanting to quit my job so badly. I love my job, I'm so grateful for my job, I adore my Boss who is one of the best guys I've ever met in my life...

Last night was one of the best night's in my life. And also one of the worst. I suppose if God doesn't close this door, then I shall have to stick with it for now.

God bless.