I wish you love.

I am listening to Rachael Yamagata's version of this timeless classic of a song. I love those lyrics. Hopeless romantic I am.

It's been a strange night. I came home to find pictures of me on facebook... These pictures were taken a few weeks ago. I was drunk on something. I can't drink (my windpipe closes and I die) but I can think of no other reason for those pictures except that I was drunk *sigh* I have not been tagged in these pictures, which means only the camera owner's friends can see them. She and I have... 57 mutual friends. Hmmm. That's 57 people who I know who can see them. If she tags me, I don't know what I will do -.-" Faint, maybe.

The day after those pictures were taken, a few weeks ago, I remember telling Ro about this. Ro laughed at me, and then told me about his own issues, which are slightly worse off than mine. Anyway. I never thought the pictures would be posted. Honestly. And now they have been. There are consequences to everything you do. Everything. I should already know this.

This evening while I was at the studio, Mr Bass & I were smoking in the back stairs. Mr Bass knows a lot more about me than he should. It's because we talk when we smoke. It's very dangerous. I should not be smoking.

I told Mr Bass about the gwaijai. I've been thinking about the gwaijai all night *sigh* What is wrong with me.

All night I've been thinking about why I'm smoking again. I suppose there are many reasons. First and foremost, I love it. I really shouldn't, but I do. I remember the night I started again. We were in San Francisco... the first show I'd ever been roadie on, completed. I felt like a fucking failure, and the only way I could compensate, was to smoke. Mr Bass was there, as was Mr Guitar. They are my smoking buddies. I love them both. I shouldn't have started. I can't seem to stop now. Addicted. Fuck.

It occurred to me tonight that I'm smoking because it's the only "me" thing left. I've been failing at walking this God path that I've chosen... but I've tried to give "me" up for God... and it's like the "me" part is trying to reclaim "me". Does that even make sense? I suppose most people will never understand why we Christians walk this walk. Why choose to not do things you love? Smoking, making love, cussing the fuck outta people... aiyaaah.

But I suck at walking my own walk. I am terrible at it and I have proof. So why I am trying to do that again?

People ask why I don't just stick with the gwaijai. I can't because I know if I do, I will walk away from God. If I do, I will choose "my" path again. And that will mean the past eight years gone to waste. The past eight years disappearing in a cloud of smoke. Sometimes I wonder, if I quit smoking again, can I just pretend the past four months didn't just happen and still say I quit for four years? Diu.

I really don't understand why there are so many sides to me. I wish God could just wipe it all clean. Or should I be wishing that I would let God wipe it all clean? I don't understand me. I have faith God does, but right now I don't even know what to say to Him. Sorry doesn't seem to cover it. Especially not when I know even when I've said it, I don't think I'm going to quit the smokes tomorrow. Sheesh. What the heck is wrong with me?

I want to get drunk. Sigh. Can't even do that....

Sorry God.