The conflict.

In 2002 and in 2006, I quit smoking. In 2002, I quit for just over a year. I started again in February 2004 in the parking lot at Shing Fung Studios, where we were filming UltraViolet. In June 2006, I quit again, this time for four years. I wonder when the next time I quit will be. I keep telling myself that it should be now. It should be NOW.

Both times, in 2002 and 2006, I quit happily. I quit and every time I wanted to smoke, I'd send up a quick prayer and immediately, God will make me very busy or distract me with something else. This time... I don't seem to be in the right place to quit. It's not that God doesn't answer my prayers, it's more like I forget to send up that quick prayer at all. I just head straight for the back stairs or wherever and puff away.

The first sign that gwaijai would never be right for me... is that when I started smoking again, he was awesomely happy for me. As in, he felt like I was really being me again, and he was genuinely very chuffed for me. While I appreciate that... I'd much rather he tell me, You douchebag, why the fuck are you smoking?? Different mentalities. I don't want to be me. I want to be God's. And yet once again, I'm caught in that never-ending conflict. It used to be Gay Me and Christian Me. These days it's just Narcissist Me and Christian Me *sigh*

My Boss published a book last year - or the year before. I've been proofreading it for a new edition coming out later this year, and this one line struck a chord - We have our animal instincts and our higher self. Which side do we choose to magnify?

Where has my higher self disappeared? Or rather, how did the animal instincts take over? My higher self was completely ambushed. I don't even recall when or where or how.

A few months ago, I was told that perhaps I needed therapy. To get through all this crap that is my past. To get through all this crap that is holding my back from the present and the future. I agreed to it because I'm ready to embrace new challenges. The therapy never actually happened. I guess it's a good thing considering the relapse. If I had a therapist, I suppose I'd just be lying to her. Or being extremely defiant. Neither of which are good signs.

I started reading Andre Agassi's Open a few days ago. I'm almost done. It's an amazing read. He's managed to touch the hearts of so many who hate their lives and their jobs and yet persevere and struggle to pull through, to calm their inner conflict. I don't hate my life or my job. But there is a lot of inner conflict. I'm hoping this book will inspire some sort of change in perspective. It's all about perspective.

And before I finish this rant (might as well let it all out, eh), I seriously rolled my eyes at all the contextual Bible discussion stuff that was going on on Twitter last week. Yes, context is everything *sigh* But what the hell does that mean? It means some parts of the Bible don't need to be followed or need to be understood "with a pinch of salt"? But the context didn't come to light (with the women issue at least) until women were declared (more or less) equal... Which means, perhaps, that context will arise when gays are declared (more or less) equal *sigh* I don't know. It's all so confusing. If you believe part of it, you should believe all of it, no? You can't just pick out doctrine that you like and follow that. What would be the point? Hai. Sometimes my religion is so hypocritical and chaotic that I can totally understand why some people hate it. Seriously. What the heck.

Am I gay? Sadly, the answer is no, probably not. I'm just a slut. I'll fall for anyone. Man woman boy girl. As Eason (or his lyricist, think it was Wyman) put it oh-so-succinctly in one of his songs: 這世界最壞罪名 叫太易動情.

And then there's another problem. I find it difficult to accept women elders/pastors. But women speakers/preachers? Diu. Isn't there some verse that says if this thing causes a brother to stumble, then everyone should refrain from doing this thing? So this is causing me to stumble... why are there still women elders and preachers? I'm going against my own sex here. But there will be no resolve to this problem I don't think. At least not until I die and I beg God to enlighten me. At the rate I'm going, though, he's probably going to punish me for a looooong time before I'm allowed to sit on his lap and ask him questions.

Fuck me.

God bless.