Smooth sailing

I was wondering if life is always a constant struggle between what I want to do and what I should do. My real question actually is whether I'm normal or if I am abnormally rebellious causing all these problems in life. I wish I knew. Not that it would change me at all...

To be honest, life isn't always a constant struggle. I guess I just wish I could be in a place where I wasn't trying to struggle to stay alive, where I could stop having to deal with all things challenging - that would be moola matters. I'm sick and tired of moola matters, of having to find money to pay rent and pay internet fees and pay phone bills and pay... all those things. For some odd reason my internet line has been cut off and my phone should have been but has not been. I think someone paid it. I don't know who. I have my suspicions and what can I say... I'm eternally grateful to these people who help me survive in this crazy world but really, there are times when I don't understand why I don't go out and try and make 20,000 a month and just live relatively easy life.

I suppose I only see my side of the fields and when I look across at the other side, the grass over there seems tastier.

It's been a relatively sleepless week, not only because work has been demanding, but also because I've been offered a job that I do not think I can do. In a way, it's a dream job for me. It really is... and I didn't dare let my excitement show because I didn't want to get their hopes up. Dream job. I have no qualifications, I have no way that I can do it, and worst of all, I'm not sure it's something God would want me to do. Throw myself back into the world of showbiz. Throw myself back into a world of temptation. Ha.

I said I'd think about it. I told them that I would do certain things regardless of whether or not they asked - only because I believe in them and know that they just need a little stepping stone in the rush of the river water. A rush that might kill them. I said I'd think about it. I've spent too much time thinking about it. I really don't think I can do it. I don't think I'd hold as a stepping stone. I don't want to kill them.

But looking at it from another perspective, I'm honoured, flattered and more than a little surprised that they think I could do it. I don't want to regret not taking it so I'm trying to do what I can, but. But. BUT. There are times when I wish I could just be someone else, someone with connections all over the place, someone with enough power that I could just help them. But I don't.

I'm beginning to feel like I need a friend again. It's so odd this feeling that I have no one to talk to, no one who can objectively give me some advice. Even if they tell me that I'm right, I can't do it. Someone who can talk to me, whose priorities are about the same as mine. Darn it.

It's funny I'm not actually feeling half as bad as I sound. I'm just a little confused and wondering where God is leading me and whether I'm actually following Him at all... I mean, here I am in Hong Kong, working my bum off for peanuts, trying to pay off my debt, when He might have planned that I should be in China teaching in Henan right now and that it was only because I was too proud to ask for money that I couldn't get my degree and so here I am, stuck.

I suck.

Anyway. Back to more research work. I hope more of these researchy positions come up where I can work during holidays too (as I am now...) and get extra pay. I need moola. I hate feeling that I need anything - except God that is. Let me redefine my words and their constraints.

God bless :) Happy Mid-Autumn Festival! Huggles.