One should go to bed...

At this ridiculously late (early?) hour, but one cannot. I've just watched the re-run of China's amazing volleyball match against Russia. The poor Russian girls. But phwoar was China good or what?!

I miss the Olympics. It was so good to have so much sport to watch. And at watchable hours. In four years time, it's gonna suck bad because the Olympics are gonna be happening when I'm either working or out or something. I mean one can't sit in front of the telly during the day time. Unless... there are big screen TVs at the beach or something. Now that's an idea!!

Hmph. Anyhoo. It's been a busy week of sickness and work. Or rather work and sickness. Got so sick. Think it's the weather changing and all, can't breathe to save my life *sigh* But at least I have work. Need work. More work more work. Fun work preferably. God... please give me work that You want me to do.

The lady I am working for right now wants me to commit. I refuse to. I keep telling her I have to go back to China. I know I could probably work for her for a long while and I wouldn't exactly die. But I don't want to. I want to go back to China!! Am I deluding myself or what. It's madness actually. Does God want me to work here? In this little shop? I keep thinking that God wants me back in China that I might be missing the whole point which is right in front of me. Oh Father, give me some clarification... Please!!!

Talking to 180 is fun. You don't really know what the people are thinking. My mind was drawing a blank. To have to share about a mission trip that three other girls have already shared about... HMPH. But it was good. I forgot to say though, with the whole step out in faith thing, is that my prayers have been more than answered and I am currently working five jobs. FIVE. Albeit the fact that only two of those are definites in terms of pay, but that's only because the other three might not come to fruition.

Josie Hosie is back. Yay.

I need direction. I suppose I don't have to have direction. But I would like to know what God wants me to do this coming year. Funny how for me, the year still starts in September hahahaha... school much?! I could reword it I suppose. I would like to know what God has in store for me the rest of this year and most of next year too. I know I can't go back to Shanghai yet. But... ya know something odd. I found out about an amazing church in Shanghai. ARGH. No. No Shanghai for the next year at least.

180. I still don't know what to think of it. Still don't like big groups and feeling awkward. And yet. And yet. In Baise I was talking about youth ministry and all that *sigh* What am I thinking?

In one of the encouragements notes that I got for my trip to Baise, a person I have utmost respect for, wrote that it was great to see how much I had grown (faith/spiritual-wise) (duh) (heh heh). Funny thing is though, sometimes I think it's all a facade. How much HAVE I grown? Is it even measurable? I suppose maybe from a third-person's pov, but to be honest, how much does that person know about me now? *sigh* I'm good at pretending.

180. Am I the only one who feels that I don't "fit in"? It's not a complaint. It's a feeling. It's definitely not a criticism of 180 either. I love 180. But I just don't like big groups. Don't like. Don't like feeling awkward, don't like not fitting in. Don't think I'd ever want to fit in either. Yeah yeah, I know what I'm saying completely contradicts *sigh* Maybe I'm just confused. Maybe I should be taken to an infirmary or something. Gah.

Are there fake people in churches? I would suppose so. People who just want to know what's going on. People who show an interest in you only because they feel they should. People who talk to you because they think that they have to. People who... it's all about the people *sigh* Dude. When will I learn that these things, it's about GOD and not about the people?

Funny how I realize things when I write about them. Maybe I should write more often.

God bless. It's time for some serious God-convo and a little sleep before I head to the Regal tomorrow morning. Huggles. Good night.