staying leaving staying leaving... staying?

It's taken a long time to get to where I am. I can only thank my Plus angel and the people in my Plus for praying and praying and praying. And thank Renee for praying so hard hahaha and... well.

When I was at Hillsong, it was impressed upon moi that I should not, cannot return to Shanghai. It was hard. A tough decision. And even now, knowing that I should not go back, it's hard to uphold it. Hard to be obedient. And I'm disobedient enough in too many ways. But I digress. I'd always thought I'd go back to China to work, I love China...

But no. Here I am in Hong Kong. And I've made some promises and I've said some things that I am now going to have to figure out whether or not they are feasible and whether or not God will let me take that kind of responsibility.

There are times when I wonder what would happen if I went back to Shanghai. Where I have a job and a place to live. Where life would be so interesting. Where I'd learn to speak Mandarin properly once and for all. And there are times when I think that well if I went back to Shanghai maybe things would work out and I'd be giving it a shot and all of that. But then I remember, that God has the best way. And no matter what the outcome - maybe it's the same outcome if I stay here... one never knows - God's way is the bestest way to go about things.

It's tough.

Plus on Wednesday. Huge long phone convo on Thursday. Huge long talk with a friend Thursday night. Tears. Tears running down my face. Tears in my heart. Tears. Why the tears? Because. Because I don't have anyone I can talk to. And there are people who will read this and feel hurt. But I don't. Someone I can talk to, who has the same priorities as me - God first - someone who will understand kind of, where I'm coming from and where I'm headed to.

Anyway. I need to sleep. I'm so tired and so sick. Hate flu bugs. Hmph. God answers prayers. I love God :)