a lonely existence.

A few months ago when I was at my parents' home for dinner, my dad and I were in the kitchen chatting. He frowned as he hesitated before he commented on my life: Your life is so... lonely... And I smiled as he looked a little worried, perhaps unsure as to how I would react. I can't remember how I responded. I probably agreed with him. Or made some lame excuse. I really don't remember.

But as I was talking to myself just now - as I often do actually, a result, perhaps of said loneliness - I think I actually discovered the underlying reason to why I lead a so-called lonely existence.

Because I'd rather feel lonely than feel like I don't fit in.

Gasp. Shock horror. I can hear the voices of my friends telling me I'm fucking crazy... I have discovered that my friends are most supportive of me, in all ways possible, but really without actually understanding the situation. And so the wonderful supportive things they say are really rendered quite useless and make me rather angry and annoyed because they obviously don't know. And yet... I shouldn't be angry because they are my friends and they are trying to make me feel better.

I think that's why I like to befriend guys. I don't have to deal with all that supportive crap. I tell a guy something, it goes in one ear and comes out the other. Or they just change the subject, which is good too. I miss my guy friends so very much.

Anyway. I've spent most of my life trying to fit in and realizing that I really don't. And at the ripe old age of 30 (though I must admit, this started a couple years before I actually turned 30...) I understand that I will probably feel this way for the rest of my life and really, who gives a flying fack if you don't fit in. So the point is this, if they are your friends, they will continue to be your friends whether or not you fit in. So don't bother trying to change or pretending to be something you're not because that really will just make things worse.

Of course the entire fitting-in-thing can be blamed on my parents (everything, I've discovered, can be blamed on one's parents) for throwing me into a local girls' school full of rich people. I wasn't anything close to being local, I don't get along with girls and I wasn't rich. Great. The result was, of course, the worst five years of my life. But hey, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Or so the saying goes. I'm really not sure that I'm any stronger than before. If I was... (were?)... (English major *eyes roll*) If I were... I wouldn't still be feeling like I don't fucking fit in.

Wow. I must be ranting. So many expletives. Apologies. I'm not usually this bad (in English anyway).

So the point is this. I might be 30 but I'm still torn. Not only is there the gay-Christian dichotomy, there is also the antisocial vs social thread too. Example: On a beautifully sunny day like today, I wonder why I am not out with my friends at a beach enjoying the sun. Err... because I have no friends maybe?!

Such is life. It's all about the choices we make as to how we live our life. And there are pros and cons to each side. So the Christian-side of me will continue to overpower the gay-side of me... and then selfish anti-social side of me will continue to overpower the needy social me.

Right. Back to work then.

God bless me. And happy Hong Kong day.