Disassociation.

It's been ten months. Ten months of conflicted feelings over this wonderful horrible job that I have. Ten months.

Today - or rather, just now - a former friend (I guess he's still a friend but I... have to work with him and, unfortunately, he represents one of the parts of my job that I hate and I can't actually separate the two now *frowns*) listed about 15 people who he wanted to thank. He's an exec at Boss' record company, and he was thanking people because there were three songs from three (of his six) artists at his company, and that's quite rare, especially for this record company. So he was thanking people, and he listed me in there too.

When someone thanks you, you are supposed to say you're welcome, or thank them back for thanking you. But no. My response - and it was immediate - was What the hell does this have to do with me?. Which is not a particularly nice response. Anyway, a minute later, I realised he had left someone else off the list, who was actually played quite an important role in all three of the songs, so I let him know so he could resend the list.

AND HE DIDN'T TAKE ME OFF THE LIST.

So I asked him, Why the heck didn't you take me off the list?? to which he responded, You're part of the team. To which I immediately snapped back, No I'm not. Immediately. And not very nicely either. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Boss shift in his seat, so I added (rather more quietly), But thank you. Hypocrite.

It's been ten months. I still don't feel like I'm part of the team. Or rather, I still don't want to be part of the team.

Where did all my attitude-changing pacts go? Didn't I say that I had to deal with this crap because this is my life now and I really don't have much option to change? What the heck?

Every time someone asks if I'm working for the record company, I immediately say no. Every time film people ask me if I'm doing this full time, I hesitate and then say not really. Every time. It's been ten months. I still don't completely own up to the fact that I have, in fact, left the film biz.

I need to get a grip.

God bless the life-grippers. How I wish I will become one of them soon...