Landslide.

Do I already have a post called Landslide?? Haha. Who cares.

So it's Friday afternoon, and I am up at lunch time despite having gone to bed after the sun came up. I am not working today, so I'm sitting here, trying to motivate myself to clean my damn house, but ending up in front of the computer, listening to a songlist I call "Hmm". (The songlist is a little embarrassing to share, suffice to say it has a couple of Jay Chou songs, plus a bit of Death Cab, Rachael Yamagata, Take That, etc thrown in.)

Every so often - more often than not, in fact - I have these humungous internal arguments. There are so many sides to being me, and they don't often agree with one another. Usually I just push it away by reading Harry Potter or watching Matrix or DC Cupcakes or going out. Anything to distract the self, right. But today, I sat in front of the computer, listening to the music and thinking about the latest topic that has come up for debate.

And it occurred to me, that most people probably don't do this. They know who they are and what direction they are headed, so they don't need to argue. I used to know. A long time ago. Back then, my philosophy was that life is short and you gotta do everything (at least) once - better to deal with consequences after, than to regret not having done it. I think the problem started when I changed my philosophy (to loving God and doing what God wants) without actually having given up the old one. Hence the conflict.

It was easier back then. But I suppose I was warned... I was told that this definitely was not the easier path *sigh*

With that, all I can say is that the answer is clear, and the fog has lifted and the road I should walk upon lies gleaming ahead. I don't know if I will actually take that road. I tend to swerve away at the last moment. It's like I have a fail button somewhere that someone can press and I'll just fall off the right path.

But God has grace. And He always protects me (until I deliberately ignore it). Maybe one day I'll learn to really let go of the old me. God willing. Yeah.

God bless the idiots.