Autumn in Hong Kong

For as long as I can remember, there has not been a more beautiful autumn in Hong Kong. This is perfecto weather - sun out but not too hot. Albeit the pollution levels are still quite bad but hey. One cannot ask for too much. Beauteous. (Beautious?)

I'm sitting in front of a compact Fujitsu belonging to a very good friend who was so kind as to lend it to me because I had a proposal (darn important one too) and I had no tools to write it with. Well. I needed a computer. So he - with the 15" PowerBook - lent me his old (new-ish still) Fujitsu. It's a nice computer. Small. Compact. Complete with wireless internet so I can't complain about lack of AirPort haha...

Wish it had iTunes. iPhoto. Address Book. Magnifying dock. Sherlock. Acquisition. I'm not complaining. Ha.

It's odd, my life now. So very odd. I feel like I'm in limbo. Not knowing which direction to go, not knowing where I should be. Wanting to put more effort into my current job but not being able to get up in the mornings. I wonder how I managed it for the movie.

How can I ever be a producer if I am as messy as I am now? I lost a client's fact sheet today. I didn't lose it. I left it on a table and it's gone now and it was the only copy. I suppose I would grudgingly admit that I lost it. But I didn't. It was on the table. I know everything she wants but I have no way of finding her, reaching her... man. I wanted to stab myself. And my boss knows too. Hai. How can I ever be a producer if I'm as undisciplined and disorganized as I am now?

The older I get, the less I can multi-task. How sucky is that! And if you become a producer, you have to multi-task. Okay wait. All this "becoming a producer" thing involves getting back into the movie industry. First of all, since when did I decide I'd be getting back into that? Secondly, how on earth will I be able to get back into it? Third of all... will God let me?

I suppose at some point I should start fasting - except I'm not eating much anyway. No money no talk. No money, my phone's been cut off. Muahahaha. Hence no talk. Literally. But I digress. I suppose I should be more earnest in my talking to God, more devout in my prayers, I suppose I should make more time for God. But.

Suffice to say I'm burrowing into work to stop the questions from being too overwhelming. The workaholic speaks. I admit that I use work as my escape. I always have. I love work. The feeling that you are actually of some use. The knowledge that because I am working, I will have some semblence of cash at the end of the month.

I was at the bank today, getting my new ATM card. I can finally access my money. They talked to me about saving money, about saving just over 800 bucks a month for 10 years. Which means that in about 10 years, I'll have 100,000 saved up. I signed on to do it. If they don't save for me, I never will. I was wondering, as I signed up for it, whether I'm being totally duh. Since I'm in debt and all. But I suppose 800 odd would have just gone to all sorts of junk and crap anyway. Like expensive ice cream (English toffee crunch@Ben and Jerry's!) or caramel macchiatos (I miss Starbucks. It's been zonks.) But they need me to do a body check up before it actually happens and this money will be saved. Again. I hate anything to do with my body. I have a crappy body. I suppose my Spirit is quite crap too though. Hmph.

I had to list all the diseases and illnesses... asthma's the main one. Ugh. Hm. I suppose they worry I might just die and ya know, not be able to make the 10 years.

But enough with the negativity. I'm good. Life is good. Weather is beautiful. Just wondering whether I'll be able to survive another three months in the flower shop. Wondering if I will get the job I really want. Wondering if God will let me back into the world of movies. Wondering if I should still think about China and all.

Need a haircut. Want to go to Shanghai. Need to go to church more often. Want to go to Baise. Need to find more discipline. I'm twenty six for goodness sakes. Where is the discipline??

Maybe I should just marry a rich guy and steal all his money.

I'm going to bed. My dad's birthday today. I love my daddy.
God bless!