Shanghai?

I did it.

I sent my CV to the production house in Shanghai that had wanted to hire me earlier this year. I don't know whether that offer still stands. I have a meeting this Sunday to figure that out. The producer - aka director of the company - is in Hong Kong this weekend... and she has asked to meet up.

God... if You don't want me in Shanghai, please don't let this go through. Father... I'm so confused. I don't want to stay at my job now, but I don't know what to do. God... I started a relationship that I haven't been fair to. Being unwilling to go back to Shanghai to work has been unfair to both parties. Father... what on earth is around the corner? What are your plans for me? What is it that you want me to do? Where do you want me to be?

I don't even know if it's true that production is the thing I want to do most. But I suppose the fact that I don't dare try makes it something that I want because I'm so scared of failure. I wonder what will happen if...

And the weirdest thing is... if I leave... what will become of the people around me. I have a possessive-ness problem. I don't like others' lives to go on without me. Pride, I suppose.

It's such a hard decision to make. Production... or...? Is there such a thing as what I want most? Is there anything that I really want?

I suck.

God bless.