Chinese New Year & the dreaded family gatherings

I hate Chinese New Year because of the traditions and... no, I lie. I hate Chinese New Year because I have to come up with lame excuses why I cannot go to the family gatherings. Lame excuses. I really should write down my excuses, year in year out, and then publish something like The Little Book of Lame Excuses.

I especially hate Chinese New Year this year because the third day of CNY falls on my mother's birthday. That means four straight days of dealing with family. The night before CNY is tuen leen faan at paternal grandma's. First day of CNY is bai leen at maternal grandparents'. Second day of CNY is hoi leen at paternal grandma's. And third day of CNY is mother's birthday *sigh* A sign, perhaps, that I should spend more time with family?

I've been dissecting my life and wondering how it all went so wrong. I'm trying to pinpoint a time where I just decided I would cut off my ties with the family - or rather, the mother. I can't... remember...

Let's see. I think the last time I had a civil conversation with the mother was when I was in Hengdian. That's May of 2007. Or summer 2007. The bizarre thing is that I see why she wants to talk to me - she wants to know how her eldest child is doing. The even more bizarre thing is I don't understand why I don't want to talk to her.

Actually, I do know why. Because if I talk to her once, she'll expect I talk to her again. She'll expect me to keep her updated. I don't see the point of doing that. I don't see the point of giving her false hope. I have no intention of keeping her abreast of my life. Why, is the question at hand... Why??

The interesting thing, interesting to me at least, is the fact that I know I am currently in Hong Kong for a reason. There has to be a bloody good reason why the film I am supposed to be working on has been delayed and delayed again. Perhaps, because God wanted me to listen to the Generations of Destiny sermons. They have been quite interesting indeed. The first and the last of the series, particularly, have really given me food for thought.

So the sermon that Dale gave, the introduction to this whole series, was interesting because I'd never thought about the spiritual battle being so very relevant to my generation. Honestly. It's the bizarrest thing. It is so very relevant it's actually quite scary. And the this last sermon that Ps Tony gave this morning, was interesting because it pointed out just how much I need to get a move on to make things right at home. Flashing neon lights couldn't have made things clearer. Honestly.

I don't know. I don't know what I can do. I know I probably should stop making lame excuses and show my face at these family gatherings that make up Chinese New Year. But I don't think I can bring myself to actually do it. Just the thought of having to pretend to be nice and having to smile at my relatives makes me want to puke. PUKE. Are good Christian girls supposed to be like this? I mean... aren't good Christian girls supposed to be nice? Why aren't I nice? Why? What's wrong with me?

*sigh*

What AM I going to do? And WHY am I such a bitch? *sigh*

God bless my family...