growing up. or not.

I am clicking through the pictures on facebook because I have absolutely nothing else to do at 12:30am except watch Manchester United attack and attack and attack the Chelsea defence... images of December frivolities, portraits of children and glimpses of other people's lives...

And it occurs to me, somewhere in between the clicks, that people are growing up all around me and here I am, not entirely grown up despite having turned thirty, which is, apparently, the age when you are seriously considered an adult.

The first month and half of being an 'adult' has, for me, culminated in lots of pimples on my forehead. Mainly on the right side. I don't quite know where all these volcanoes come from, nor do I understand why they are suddenly sprouting on my head. I will say, however, that I now understand the pain of having bad skin. Sigh. It's taken me thirty years to realize. The funny thing is, a friend commented how usually bad skin can 'all of a sudden' happen when one is pregnant, usually with a boy. Suffice to say I rolled my eyes into the back of my head so far I actually saw brain.

Twelve days into this new year and I am questioning my willpower and determination, wondering whether I will grow up and learn to say no. The past twelve days have been more of a struggle to get on with life than anything else. The fact that I have started writing (fiction) again means my brain has been filled with imaginings that should be filtered out of every good Christian girl's head. Actually, no. The fact that I have started writing (fiction) again is a good thing. The fact that I have been writing about an entirely fictional lesbian relationship... is not. And no, I have not been writing about the ho ying cute girl who I am terribly in like with. I have not the guts.

Life will always be challenging, I suppose. As Carlos says - and I am repeating myself here for the nth time, I know - Don't make a resolution, make a choice. And that choice has to be made everyday, all the time. It's a constant. It's not like you make the choice and then you never have to deal with it again. It's not like that. Sigh. So depressing!!!

God bless.