dealing with...

In my lifetime I have been very fortunate to have been loved by various men and women, some who mean and/or have meant a lot to me, others not so much. Those who mean a lot to me are, of course, loved back with as much - or as little - fire as needed. I have yet to learn how to deal with the people who mean less... that sounds so flipping arrogant I could be shot on the street when I leave my building later.

Unfortunately, one of the many women who loves me immensely is my mother. Fortunately? Or unfortunately? I am grateful to come from a fabulous family where everyone loves everyone else, yet I am seemingly unable to show any sort of love back for these people.

The fifth commandment - honour your mother and your father - brings much grief to me sometimes. The word 'honour' can mean many things and imply many others but I suppose first and foremost one honours one's parents by picking up the phone when they call *eyes roll* I understand that in order to move forward in my life, I have to deal with the issues that plague me. And I understand that I have to deal with this issue before I can really go and do anything else.

But how?

My mother has requested that I call and talk to her. I have no interest in doing so whatsoever. I do not feel the need to let her know about my life and I honestly don't care to know about hers. Yet this woman loves me unconditionally. What is wrong with me?

There are times when I feel that my life is a losing battle, a lost cause. The fact that I am still in like with some chicka *eyes roll* And the fact that I am horrendously horrible to my mother. What the hell. I'm thirty. I'm supposed to grow up and... yeah.

I wonder when I will change. Sigh.

God bless.