Perfectionism.

perfectionism (n.) - refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

I find it extremely bizarre to form any sort of link between the word perfectionist and myself. I am possibly the most closeted perfectionist I have ever met. There are people like my boss, who you can tell are perfectionists by the high level they set themselves, and the amount of effort they put into everything they do. Then there are people like myself, who seem to swim through criticism like a duck swims through water - everything just washes over and nothing actually sticks. It's not true. I berate myself at home. All the damn time.

Derek once told me that I have a condemnation problem. I suppose that's the theological way of looking at it. I don't know how to change that, I don't know how to accept that I have flaws, and that I'll never be perfect, and that it's okay to make mistakes.

There are mistakes that have haunted me for decades, mistakes that come back to me again and again and again. It's like this locked, hidden room, deep in the recesses of my brain that unlocks the door all by itself when my brain decides I need to feel like crap.

It's gotten worse this year, this condemnation thing. I've spent more of this year feeling that I'm absolute shite, and that I should be fired and never hired again, than I have feeling good about myself. That, is a first. I'm quite tired of holding conversations with myself about my level of shiteness. I don't mean to. It just happens that way... because perfectionist me (condemnist me) will berate me for having fucked up yet again, and then nice me (the side of me who loves and accepts myself) will then tell perfectionist me that nobody is perfect and since I'm still hired, I really can't be that bad, and even if I were, there are still qualities about me that my boss likes and therefore I shouldn't feel too bad about this.

I'm so sick of these conversations. The worst part is, I don't see them stopping. I don't see myself making peace with myself, not any time in the near future anyway. It's so tiring. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. Hai.

Jesus loves me. So why don't I love me??

FML.

God bless.