Future schmuture.

So my year is almost up. I went to the States last year in April and on my last day, asked Boss that fatal question - don't you wish I worked for you full time. Or something like that. Aaaaaaanyway, to cut a long story short, I started working for him and the initial thing was to "try it out for a year". The year will end on April 30th.

Because of my proneness to live my life in denial, there is a part of me that actually thinks that this will end on April 30th. Actually, I wasn't sure that he would keep me on... I'm not great at my job - although he is pretty adaptable to the people around him - and I'm not great with the people around him either. So when he said, a few days ago, that we had to have a mini-work-meeting thing after band practice, the first thing I said - in front of the boys - was, Are you going to fire me?

He looked at me askance and asked if I really wanted to be fired cos I keep asking that question. So to deflect from my obvious insecurity, I reminded him what he had said a year ago - that we'd try this out for a year. He mumbled some sort of reply (actually, he didn't mumble, but I was busy shooing the boys out of the band room so that we could go and eat as I was starving) which went something like it doesn't necessarily have to be firing you or something along those lines.

Anyway. We went to eat, just the two of us - it's funny, we haven't "hung out" just the two of us in a very long time (mainly because we work together so now when we "hang" we have absolutely nothing to talk about) - but I didn't ask until after we'd had dessert. Which is when he told me about the future.

It was funny, because I felt like he was a careers counsellor - and it was funny to hear him say, You know, you're like thirty-... two...? I tried not to roll my eyes at him, and replied, Details are not important here. Seriously. Anyway. So he gave me a "path" but he also said that he knows I miss making movies (even though I immediately replied, But it's not sustainable) and essentially, he gave me an out.

So now the ball in is my court. Last night I tried to email him a reply. But when it came down to actually typing the words, Yeah okay I'll stay on... I couldn't do it. And now that email is a draft that I cannot send... I can't quit because I need a steady job, but I can't make myself say I will stay on to do this job because I really don't actually like this path that he has laid out in front of me.

I am so grateful for this job, for the fact that Boss would care enough to want to develop my skills (hence the editing thing), for the fact that I have a steady-paying job that is crazy and irregular. But I really miss shoots, and there are parts to this job that I really hate... and the path that he has set before me seems just to lead to a desk job that anyone could do. Unappetizing to say the least.

And in the midst of this crisis, during this time when I really need God, I decided to skip church. WTH -.-"

Right. So. Decisions. I can't afford to quit this job, but I can't make myself say yes to this path. I have commitment issues. Geez. It's hard enough to commit to a year already. Hai. What to do.....

God bless the future....