Job. Career. Vocation. Calling?

Phwoar. Have you ever felt like the job you currently do, is not what you're supposed to do for the rest of your life?

I often feel like I won't be doing this (film...) for the rest of my life; that my life in the future will be different to what it is now. There was a time when I didn't feel like God approved of my work in film, but now I'm not so sure. I don't think the chances that I have in film can be anything other than God-given.

There have been times in my life when I have cried out, or tried to cry out, for a God-given passion. Because I have no passion... save that to have fun, to enjoy life. Perhaps due to my closed-mind-ness, I can't seem to grasp the fact that that is my God-given passion. Haha. I honestly doubt it. Oh well.

What is strange is that I keep thinking, at some point in the future, I will give up everything and work for God - and I keep thinking, it's a mission thing. And a couple nights ago, in the shower (of all places) I remembered my fascination with Amy Carmichael and a host of other missionaries when I was a kid.

I remember the library at church, with books we could borrow. I'd borrow the same books week in week out... they were all missionary stories. I don't think that is a coincidence.

I often think that I am living on borrowed time - okay, that's not exactly what living on borrowed time means, but I can't think up a better phrase hahahaha. That I will continue with this film thing until God stops giving me work, and then that is the time when my Godly life begins. How crazy. The other half of me (or one other side of the many-sided me) thinks that's bull and I should, for goodness sakes, just get on with my Godly life right now. But if God doesn't approve of my life now, why give me work?!

Then there's the argument that goes Who says I can't live a Godly life while working in film? Ha. I think the reason why I have bad memory and the reason I am constantly unfocused is because I am holding never-ending discussions about myself and my life with me. Argh. Someone take me to a psychotherapist or something.

I remember my aversion to missions back when um... yeah back a couple of years ago. I have to say, I am still averse to big missions trips. I guess I just don't like big groups of people (and you work in film with crews of 100+ people, says a friend)... Hmph.

Okay. I think I'm the really duh type. As in something drastic has to happen before I realize the message is for me... I'm glad I wasn't born in the years that Jesus was walking the earth. I would probably have been one of those who didn't realize He was Jesus even having met him. Think Bernie in Notting Hill *shakes head*

God bless :D