I want it that way...

That darned song (I don't even know if that's the right name for it haha) has been in my head ever since a friend sent me a link to this hilarious site where two silly boys are totally taking the mickey out of themselves. I love it.

Anyway. I have been darned picky about jobs of late, and have been quite apologetic about it. I have huge massive arguments with the self: I don't want to work a job I don't like vs. Get real - beggars can't be choosers & you can't always do what you like in life. It's really rather depressing, and I have argued myself out. I am really quite defensiveless now, to a point where I can no longer make the argument work. I don't want to work a job I don't like just sounds petty and childish and immature.

A friend of mine who I met about a year ago now (phwoar, it's been a year since I left Hong Kong for Guilin! Those were the days!) is now working for a relatively big film production - or co-production? never mind - group in Beijing. She's had quite a wide range of jobs within the film industry, so is much more knowledgeable than moi. Anyhoo. She doubles as a careers counsellor sometimes, and has offered to fly me up to Beijing so that we can talk. It seems a bit excessive and I am not sure I am willing to take her up on the offer. However, I've never been to Beijing and thus...

I often have to remind myself that I have a rather warped view of my faith. I catch myself making bargains with God (or wanting to) - I'll ask you when I quit smoking... or Why would God want to put me on the right track when I'm still doing this that or the other. It takes a lot of effort sometimes, to see that grace is the basis of this faith and that bargaining really just gets me nowhere. Having said that, I then choose to not do anything and cross my fingers that God will do all the work, without my asking Him to. I shake my head in disbelief at my own patheticness sometimes.

I guess it's hard to believe - because of our human limitations - that God does love me despite everything and that God still wants the best for me no matter what. Still, I find it awfully difficult to ask God for something when I am not exactly giving Him much in return. Not that anything I gave Him could ever measure up to what He gives us/me, but honestly. Sometimes, I don't even think I try.

Anyway. When faced with the What's next in your life? question, I often laugh and say Well, I don't know. Let's see where God takes me next! to which I then stop and brood because well, I don't think God is taking me anywhere really. I think it's just me stumbling down the wrong road, and God is there, waiting for me to stop and say sorry and He'll put me back on the right track. But somehow, I'm not stopping. Even though I'm saying sorry all the time. I'm not stopping. I wonder whether it's just fear or it's more.

Okay. End of long post. I have to learn to write shorter posts.

God bless :D